The Joy

The day I got my first BFP, everything changed. The worst part of TTC for me had been the not-knowing. I had no idea if I even could become pregnant, if I could ever bear a child at all. It is a terrible thing to wonder about. Despite the feminist movement's great success, I think deep down every woman wants to bear children, or at least wants to know that she can if she wants to. You're fighting against serious biological urges when you tell yourself you don't want/need to have kids. And for me, being a mother was always a given. I had always loved children and wanted some of my own. So to wonder for 15 months if I was even capable of doing this basic, seemingly easy, biological process was a serious, daily test of my emotional and mental fortitude.

But that day that I found out I was pregnant, and it was confirmed by a blood test, I knew I was at least capable of becoming pregnant. 15 months is a long time to wonder ask yourself this question. But it was answered that day with a resounding "YES!"

After I got the blood test results back, I made this sign for DH and left it on his pillow:



And then I called every human being I knew and told them the good news.

There is a sort of debate in the TTC world about whether to tell people you are pregnant right away or weather to wait until it is "safe." Most miscarriages occur within the first couple of weeks, with the numbers waning gradually until 12 weeks, when they fall off sharply. Most women consider themselves "safe" if they have carried a baby to 12 weeks. And so many wait until that point to make the announcement.

But there was no way I could wait. I had been trying for so long, and my family had been praying so long, watching and waiting for so long, silently and verbally rooting for me for so long that I could not NOT tell them.

Everyone was overjoyed, of course. I mean, I was only 3 weeks pregnant, for Pete's sake, but everyone was absolutely ecstatic for me.

To make things more interesting, my sister, who had suddenly suffered her own year-long bout of unexplained infertility, after successfully conceiving and bearing four children, had also just gotten pregnant about 4 weeks before. Our babies would only be a month apart in age!

I couldn't have been happier. Yes, it was a long wait, but now everything was going to be just great.



(I hope you can sense the foreboding in that statement. If you don't know me personally, get ready for everything not to be "just great."

And That's When Things Happened. Sort Of.

Back to blogging about the infertility....

So the month after my progesterone finally hit 10.2 (which was the 5th month on Clomid), we decided to take a break from Clomid. They say if Clomid is going to work, it will work within the first six months. And I was almost at six months. So I figured if it hadn't worked yet, why put myself through the hyper-ovulations again.

That month we:
1) Went off clomid.
2) Used Preseed (a sperm friendly lubricant. Highly recommend it)
3) Increased BD from every other day to every day (despite every other day being recommended as the optimal timing)
4) I had lost 12 lbs

So when I woke up, 10 DPO, and checked my temperature, and it showed an increase again, I decided to test. I knew from experience that testing at only 10 DPO is not the wisest thing to do. It's most likely going to give you a BFN, even if you are pregnant. Which will send you into yet another tailspin of depression and hopelessness. Which might end up being moot if you are indeed pregnant. But try telling a TTC woman with promising signs not to test at 10 DPO. You might as well tell the tide not to come in.

So I crept from my bed at 6:30am, stole to the bathroom, peed on a stick....

AND I GOT (drumroll please)....

A BFP!!!


Miracle of miracles!!! After 15 consecutive pregnancy tests in which the result area was as white as the driven snow, I woke up one morning and took a pregnancy test which showed the palest, faintest, most wonderful hint of a line.

I raced in to show DH, who was sound asleep. I'm sure he thought I was crazy. He joked not to wake him up to show him my urine ever again. But he sounded faintly excited too. I think.

That day I made an appointment to get my blood tested. I didn't say anything else to DH about the pregnancy test. I wanted to be sure before I really made a big deal of it.